Allow me to take a break from the dire news circulating at the moment to address a subjective topic. Last Tuesday, my husband and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. Please bear with me as I wax personal for a moment.
We met in a cemetery. That’s not quite as grim as it sounds. The town in which we lived had put aside a large tract of land for burial purposes, but only a small corner had been used. The rest was maintained as a park where people ran their dogs. My Alaskan malamute didn’t get along with other dogs very well; but for some reason (Divine hand?) she got along splendidly with Don’s yellow lab, so we started walking our dogs together. The rest – specifically May 26, 1990 – is history.
Together we embarked on a life radically different than the normal, predictable lifestyle most young couples anticipate. Two years into our marriage, it took a massive Sacramento traffic jam to make us realize we didn’t want to live in the city, so we gritted our teeth and bought a fixer-upper on four acres in rural southwest Oregon on the excuse of sending me to graduate school. Being young and naïve, we didn’t anticipate any problem finding work, so we blithely left behind two well-paying jobs, moved six hours north, and entered the new and exciting world of unemployment.
And what a world it was. Don decided to leave his professional credentials behind and fulfill a dream of starting a home woodcraft business. Through the next 10 years and the birth of our two daughters, we eked out a precarious existence. Money troubles tear many couples apart, but the struggles and hardships of our first decade together bound us closer together.
Since we lived and worked together 24/7, we became far tighter as a couple than most people ever experience. Together we launched our business. Together we built a small farm. Together we raised our daughters. Together we homeschooled. Together we rediscovered our faith. Together we climbed out of the abyss of debt we had flung ourselves into. Together we moved to Idaho in 2003 and began the process of creating a self-sufficient homestead.
It hasn’t all been rainbows and moonbeams, of course. Like any couple, we’ve had our ups and downs. We’ve handled emergencies, setbacks, misunderstandings and challenges. But the one thing that has never, ever been in question is our love for each other and our devotion to our marital vows. While we’ve often disagreed, I can count on half of one hand how many fights we’ve had.
Don and I talk endlessly together – discussing news issues, family plans, reading or writing materials, future goals, or neighborhood interests. Or we’re silent together, each occupied with work or reading or writing. Or we’ll do projects together – fencing, moving cattle, property maintenance, construction, clean-up. Or we’ll do projects separately – he’ll be working in the shop, I’ll be canning in the kitchen. Since we work at home, our days flow seamlessly with a mixture of business and personal, of work and leisure, but always togetherness.
On the whole we’re extremely healthy, and to that I attribute a great deal to our peaceful existence and unity of mind. We have no marital strife, no angst from our children, no bickering or arguing between ourselves. Because we’ve cultivated our work at home, we don’t have to face the stress of long commutes. If the weather is bad – and in north Idaho, it certainly can be – we throw another log in the woodstove and settle in with our books.
To all this contentment, I give credit and thanks to God. His divine hand blessed me with a helpmate in the true biblical sense. Early in our marriage we were lax and casual in our approach to faith, but slowly – as is often God’s way – He brought us back to Him and allowed us to experience the peace that passeth all understanding.
During this current time of quarantine, many special events are going by the wayside. For our 30th anniversary, we did nothing special. No bouquets of flowers. No champagne on ice. No fancy dinner out.
But we got to see each other all day. We worked together, we planned together, we talked together. What better way to celebrate a milestone?
So what’s the secret of a happy marriage? The fact that people are still researching this topic means no one yet understands the mysterious alchemy of the heart. But, for what it’s worth, here’s my advice for those looking to marry the right person:
- Make sure you’re compatible in three critical areas: faith, finances, family. These means you share a common faith, you have similar financial attitudes and goals, and you’re on the same page about children (how many, if any, you want). Agree on the practical reality of how you want your married life to unfold.
- Marry for friendship. Passion fades, but friendship endures forever. The initial bliss of romance can often blind someone to whether or not they actually like the other person. Happy couples are intimately familiar with their spouse’s hot buttons of insecurities, fears, strengths, joys, likes and dislikes, hopes, dreams and other intangible traits. They don’t deliberately push each other’s hot buttons.
- Choose wisely, treat kindly. A happy marriage doesn’t necessarily result from finding the right person. It comes from being the right person – stable, mature, responsible and balanced. Always build your spouse up, never tear down. Praise, don’t criticize. Treat your spouse like the treasure s/he is. Don’t nag, don’t fight, don’t nitpick. Instead, be someone who is stable, mature, responsible and balanced, and you might find your spouse will exhibit those same qualities.
I believe marriage is one of the best-kept secrets in the world. To be joined with a compatible spouse and spend a lifetime building a foundation of solid rock beneath one’s feet is a remarkable thing. There is no earthly dynamic – nothing! – that improves the quality of our lives and those of our children more than a secure and happy marriage. Nothing.
And the best part? A solid foundation blesses subsequent generations. My parents will celebrate their 62nd anniversary in a few months. Their example of unity set the stage for my own marriage, which I pray will set the stage for future marital happiness for our daughters, and so on down the generations.
In short, I want to use this column as an instrument to thank my husband for 30 wonderful years together, and greedily pray for another at least 30 years with him. He’s that wonderful.