First they came for the muffin eaters …

By Jack Cashill

I suspect that in the early stages of any great political purge, the intended victims are tempted to laugh off the ham-handedness of their oppressors. Such is the likely reaction of any sane person to the declaration of new COVID mandates by Chicago mayor and Beetlejuice impersonator Lori Lightfoot.

Said Lightfoot this week with an impressively straight face, “If you’re going into that coffee shop to pick-up and go, you don’t need to show proof. But if you’re gonna linger, you’re gonna eat that muffin, you’re gonna sit down with your laptop, you gotta show proof of vaccination.”

Lightfoot actually specified the time a muffin eater could linger, namely “less than 10 minutes.” Pity the poor barista who has to clock the linger time of the patrons and then presumably call 911 if they linger longer than Lori Lightfoot likes.

Pity the poor cops run ragged by the city’s smash-and-grab crews and its lethal street gangs – not to mention the Nigerian MAGA lynch mobs – now being called upon to arrest lingering muffin eaters.

There is a madness afoot in the land. In Chicago, at least for now, the insanity and utterly arbitrary nature of Lightfoot’s edicts call to mind not so much Hitler or Stalin as they do San Marcos President Esposito.

For those weak in film geography, San Marcos is the Latin American nation liberated by rebel leader Esposito in Woody Allen’s prescient 1971 movie “Bananas.” Upon taking power, Esposito issued orders to the citizens of San Marcos so wonderfully daft he could be a big city mayor today.

“From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish,” said el presidente. “In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check.”

Yes, in Bananaland, it was not enough to heed absurd government mandates about your personal hygiene. It was essential to validate your adherence publicly. Sound familiar?

“Furthermore,” added Esposito, “all children under 16 years old are now … 16 years old!” For all of Esposito’s madness, his mandates for the under-16 population were not nearly as dangerous or demented as those proposed for the children – and adults for that matter – of the state of New York.

The bills pending before the New York State Legislature show just how slippery is the slope between the goofy San Marcoism of Lightfoot’s Chicago and the looming Maoism of Gov. Kathy Hochul’s New York. And say what one will about Lightfoot, she at least was elected.

When I first saw a summary of the bills awaiting New York legislators upon their return to session, I presumed the author of the summary was exaggerating. So I checked the official language of each bill. He was not. A quick rundown:

Assembly Bill A8378 “requires immunization against COVID-19 for attendance at school.” This one speaks for itself.

Assembly Bill A279a “requires a health care provider who administers an immunization to a person nineteen years of age or older to report such information to the department of health or to a regional health information organization unless such person objects to such reporting.”

Given the generally ovine behavior of the willfully vaxxed, few, if any, will object to this reporting. Few will even know they have the option. Once the data baseshapes up, the state will know who has not been vaxxed or boosted. That is the bill’s point.

Assembly Bill A7829 “requires immunization of certain post-secondary students for COVID-19.” There is a lot of lethal wiggle room in the word “certain.”

Assembly Bill A2240 “relates to mandatory influenza vaccine for persons attending daycare.” If parents yield to a flu vaccine, they will yield to a COVID one. That is the bill’s point.

Assembly Bill A8398 “repeals religious exemptions for certain post-secondary students.” Again, the word “certain” can expand like a noose.

Assembly Bill A822 “provides treatment for sexually transmitted diseases to minors without a parent’s or guardian’s consent” (emphasis added). The “treatment” will surely include HPV vaccines and possibly abortions.

Senate Bill 3041 “permits any child who is at least fourteen years of age to have administered to himself or herself, regardless of parental consent, certain immunizations required or recommended by law” (emphasis added). Kids cannot buy a cigarette or a beer until they are 21, but they can shoot up at 14. Parents, back off.

And now, the scariest of them all, this Maoist monstrosity: Assembly Bill A416 “relates to the removal of cases, contacts and carriers of communicable diseases that are potentially dangerous to the public health” (emphasis added).

“Cases,” “contacts” and “carriers” are all euphemisms for “citizens.” At best, the word “removal” means transportation to some encampment. At worst, it means a more permanent solution.

First they came for the muffin eaters, and we all quietly bought our coffee and left our Starbucks as ordered.

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