In the land of ‘ Bidenjustnuts’

By Nin Privitera

What a fascinating time we live in. The state of New York has a version of a criminal justice system called Bidenjustnuts, which is wise and wonderful. This was on display for six weeks under the guiding hand of Judge Merchan who displayed a wisdom only equaled by God himself.

Donald Trump could have been found guilty of something as long as four jurors out of 12 found him guilty of something. That would equal unanimity in Judge Merchan’s courtroom. And if four other jurors agreed that he was guilty of something else, that would count as guilty and with four more guilty findings, that would make a total of 12 guilty findings. Then, that would signal the bailiff to wheel out the guillotine and head basket.

Considering the new standard set by New York and our unifying America president’s omniscience, applying his justice to the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, we will see that Bidenjustnuts would find Snow White guilty of 34 crimes.

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It wasn’t the evil Queen stepmother who was guilty of something, it was Snow White and her co-conspirator Seven Dwarfs who were working to bring the kingdom down.

What follows is the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs as witnessed though the lens of Bidenjustnuts.

The story begins as we are introduced to a young child named Snow White who we are told is absolutely a beauty. Ah yes, she was outwardly a beauty, but Bidenjustnuts would say deep into the matrix of her tiny heart was a snagglepuss of an evil witch who had designs on taking over the kingdom of her father, the King. That was because of her white privilege – get it? – Snow WHITE. It was a plot known as “Make The Kingdom Great Again.”

Every day the Queen would go to her mirror and ask who was the fairest of them all. The mirror’s answer was always that it was not the Queen; it was Snow White. This made the Queen happy because she loved her stepchild and wished for her to be the loveliest Queen of any kingdom on earth someday.

But little did she know that Snow White had designs on the Queen’s throne now, not some day in the distant future.

In order to deceive the Queen about the plot against her, Snow White ran away into the forest. Her disappearance would lead all to believe of her demise. Snow White had the dwarfs kill a boar and remove its heart. It was sent to the castle in a refrigerated capsule with a note,” This belonged to Snow White.”

The Seven Dwarfs were not the cute little munchkins that many thought, with names like Sleepy, Sneezy and Grumpy. They were a cabal with intentions of commanding the kingdom with Dopey running the State Department, Sneezy as transportation secretary and Smuggy running the Border Patrol. You get the idea.

Snow White sent the Queen a beautiful comb one day to adorn the Queen’s coiffure. The Queen’s support staff tested it and found it to be poisoned and avoided a tragedy planned for the Queen’s demise.

Then a fruit basket containing a poisoned apple was delivered to the castle. Little did they know that the Queen disliked apples but instead wolfed down the pomegranate seeds. Obviously, that plot failed.

All of this crime the Bidenjustnuts officials can trace to Snow White and her evil dwarf consortium. They discerned crimes of treason, sedition, insurrection, general naughtiness, racism, sexism and a lot of other bad behavior. They were also to be charged with attempted murder of the Queen and saying nasty comments about Robert De Niro.

So goes the nation of America under the system of Bidenjustnuts, at least until November.

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