When Swifties get to the Pearly Gates

By Nin Privitera

Church attendance in Germany is reaching historically low rates. Attendance at Sunday services is down to about 3 to 4% of the population.

In order to try to boost these low rates and draw in young people, the Church of the Holy Spirit recently provided music by Taylor Swift.

I got curious about the rationale behind the pastor’s thinking for choosing Taylor Swift, and it’s obvious that she’s somewhat of a superhero to a young generation of music lovers.

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So pardon my presumption, but this may have been the pastor’s plan:

I welcome some Swifties joining us today at our service. Taylor Swift has music that charms millions of people. She is a great talent; that is without question. Many of her fans probably think that they could enjoy her music forever. That reality would make their eternity perfect.

We just heard some of her music during worship this morning. I know that is why some of you are here, and that was my purpose – to get you here. I want to remind you that there is another aspect to eternity other than lovely music. Here’s another side to the story, ladies and gentlemen, and it’s not pretty.

God is love, but part of his love is justice. And some of that justice may not be what many of you are expecting. The day you meet your Creator may not include future ages of Taylor Swift music. So my warning to you is that you may hear words and judgments from your Creator like this.

“Hello, Angelo. I’ve been looking forward to this meeting. Looking over your life, you have failed in many ways. This is my judgment for your failures, which are many. You will go to Level 9 where you will for 10 eons listen not to Taylor Swift but to Madonna singing “I’m Going Bananas.” Not the entire song, just these lyrics: ‘I’m going bananas, and I feel like my poor little mind is being devoured by piranhas.’ You will hear this over and over again for 10 eons. I’m sorry about that, but I am God and I don’t make mistakes. And then, at the end of 10 eons, we’ll have a talk.”

“Hello, Liam, That’s a pretty sad record of yours that I just reviewed, so in my infinite wisdom, this is my judgment for you. You are sentenced to Level 6 where you will spend nine eons there listening to the relentless sound of The Baha Men singing the noxious verses of ‘Who Let The Dogs Out.’ After nine eons of that, we’ll have a chat, OK? Let’s see how you handle that. Here you go.” [Who let the dogs out? (who, who, who, who, who?) Who let the dogs out? (who, who, who, who, who?)]

“Hello, Thomas. I looked over your record on earth, and it is not very good how you ignored me. That conclusion leads me to this judgment: I have decided to send you to Level 7, Sub Level D, where you will experience for six eons “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by The Tokens. This’ll be a challenge starting out with the unbearable lyrics straight from my enemy, ‘Weeheeheehee dee heeheeheehee weech aweem away. Weeheeeheehee dee heeheehee weech aweem away, awhimawak, awhimawak, awhimawak, awhimawak, awhimawak. In the village, the mighty village, the lion sleeps tonight.’

“You know what, Thomas? On second thought, being the merciful God that I am, I’ll reduce that judgment to five eons. Then we’ll talk.”

“Finally, we come to you my child, Alexis. I was going to have you endure just half an eon of Madonna’s album ‘Hard Candy,’ but let me show you my mercy. Your judgment is two eons of William Shatner singing, or something close to singing, ‘Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.’ Following that correction, we’ll have a chat.”

So as pastor and your mentor, my young Swifties, I warn you that, as you can see, your eternity may not be what you expect.

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