The war of the balloons

By Nin Privitera

Oh boy, that’s just what we need in this world, another war. It looks like things are heating up between South Korea and North Korea.

South Korea recently sent 260 balloons over North Korea loaded with pro-democracy leaflets. The version of democracy they’re referring to is not quite the Jefferson version of American constitutional democracy. It’s the Joe Biden version – you know, where the commander-in-thief does what he wants?

In retaliation to the South Korean balloon attack, North Korea just sent an armada of 3,500 balloons. These balloons were loaded with 15 tons of garbage in various forms to contaminate the South Korean landscape. Well, at least it’s better than sending a bunch of nukes back and forth and vaporizing the people who sent the balloons.

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My research team found an example of the contents of the leaflet extolling the virtues of democracy. ( I have an admission to make about my research team. They’re kind of a shaky bunch. But what am I to do? I’m just a guy with no budget.)

Here is what the leaflet said: “This is the beauty of democracy or Bidenocracy as it is in America. If you are a member of the privileged family, you can make deals in foreign countries and not pay taxes on the benefits of selling influence and be covered from the law by the Big Guy.”

How did North Korea respond to this declaration of freedom? My “research staff” found this in the garbage that the South was pelted with by the balloons. The garbage was loaded with Bill Gates’s cricket flour, meal worm powder, and a whole bunch of fake meat that encourages a not-so-fake death. Apparently, inflation has infected even real old time garbage. It’s too expensive to include it in a balloon bomb.

North Korea (NK) has issued threats to stave off any future SK balloon attacks. The next balloon retaliation from NK will include 10,000 copies of the doctoral dissertation by the esteemed Dr. Jill Biden. The unfortunate victims of this dumping will be subjected to the pain of her examination of how community colleges can improve their retention rates of students. We assume that the leading suggestion is to get taxpayers to cough up billions to pay for students’ college expenses instead of students paying for their own worthless degrees.

If the Balloon Wars continue, there’s a lot of garbage the NK regime can dump on SK. How about speeches and lies about the phony Trump Russian dossier by Adam Schiff? Deep thoughts and other annoyances by Alexandria Ocasio Cortez? The former third-in-line to become POTUS, Nancy Pelosi’s advice on how to become a multimillionaire on a D.C. peon congressional salary of $174,000 a year?

If those don’t cause South Korea to back off, the next escalation that will come is the complete video recordings of 27 years of The View featuring the wisdom of Joy and Whoopi.

Finally, we come the NK coup de grâce. One balloon known as the Terminator will carry a trash load of autobiographies in crayon with an abundance of misspellings by Joe Biden, beginning with: “My Teenage Years as a Puerto Rican Bull Fighter”; “My Boxing Victories over Corn Pop, Muhammad Ali, and Rocky Marciano”; “The Year I Won the MVP of the NBA”; “John, Paul, George, Ringo, and Joe”; “My Secret Journey on Voyager 11 to Mars”; and finally, “My Reign as Pope Until I Met Jill.”

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